I won’t lie; this month has been stressful. In part I’m probably just finally dealing with things everyone else has already had to sort through as they went back to work since I’ve been lucky enough to stay in my own little time-out corner until recently, but even just the emotional toll of constantly asking myself “do I need to do this?” clouds the answer to the very question I’m trying to ask. This is obviously more of a commentary on myself than a situation, but I find I’m having to navigate “guilt” more than I have in a long time.



I feel guilty for not getting more done even though I’m accomplishing everything I set out to do, because I see how much more there is left on the path. I feel guilty for not helping more even though everyone is happy with me and supportive, because I know how much help is needed and how much more I can do. I feel guilty for judging strangers when I don’t know what led them to where they are, and I feel guilty for not having the emotional energy to engage with them and find out. I feel guilty for ludicrous things like not being perfect, and for totally reasonable things like not spending more time with my cats (seriously, they are amazingly efficient little organic machines that turn cat food directly into guilt and cat poop). I feel guilty for not leaving more time for myself, and then I feel guilty for doing something silly like feeling guilty no matter what I do or don’t do.



For anyone who is justifiably concerned about me after the last paragraph, please rest assured that as my monthly subject/title implies I’m aware this isn’t a great thing. I don’t share this because it’s brilliant insight or because it’s already resolved, but because I’ve learned it’s important to simply share sometimes. Being aware of it helps, but that’s not the same thing as a solution. I’ve talked with my doctor because it’s important to have them in the loop, but that alone won’t fix everything. I can tell I need to get better at forgiving myself for being human and at setting up my schedule so I can do what I want and need without as much need to doubt or question myself, but as you can tell that’s not where it needs to be yet. I don’t offer all this because I have the answers; I offer it because I think it’s important to remember and share that a lot of times we don’t, and that’s ok.



If this sounds familiar to you and you’ve been keeping it to yourself, hopefully this can get you over the hump to reach out even if it’s just to complain to a friend. If you think someone else is going through this, don’t hesitate to be the one to ask how they’re doing and share your own struggles. Most of all, try to remember that when you feel least comfortable sharing something is probably the most important time to do so.



May your masks smell pleasant and your packages arrive without incident,



Ryan